I have a headache...

My head is killing me but I have yet to figure out where it came from.

My first theory was that of a "mini-hangover". I'm highly doubtful that this could be the cause because I barely drank at all last night. I doubt two beers would give me a hangover the next morning.

Then, I thought of the fan that was directly hitting my face as I slept last night. This could be a likely cause seeing as how cold air rushing towards me at a consistent pace seems to give me a headache about 50% of the time.

I also figured that it could have stemmed from the cleaning products I was using today while begrudgingly cleaning my house. (I say begrudgingly because I really don't see the point of cleaning when Halo Reach is calling out to me and I could really use another round of Slayer to get my mind off of things...like cleaning). However, I did make sure to use the organic cleaning products so as to avoid a headache meaning that perhaps, this notion isn't valid at all.

It could have come from stress. I've had a lot of that the past couple of days and it wouldn't surprise me if my headache came from that.

How are we supposed to live our lives freely when there are a million and one things to be worrying about? I can't even sit in my own room and relax because my brain just doesn't shut up. I keep thinking of everything I didn't do, and everything I should do, and everything that needs to be done. I think of who I need to help and in what ways I could help them. What brings me down is the realization that I'm limited with what I can do. All of these thoughts keep my head spinning.

And then... to top it all off, I feel... lonely.

I know, I'm not alone at all. I have my family and my wonderful boyfriend but there's only so much he can handle.

I need a friend. A close friend. I want a Samwise Gamgee. That's soo hard to find though. I have my share of male friends, but there is nothing like having a female companion. Don't get me wrong, girls are all about drama and annoyingness at times, I admit to this, which is why I have refrained from having any girl friends. But it takes a toll on a girl when she can't talk about feelings with a friend because they're a guy who just doesn't like to talk about feelings at all. This is where a girl friend would come in. The problem is, the ones I know ONLY care about one person... themselves. They jabber on about themselves and despite the fact that I text or call just to ask how they are WITHOUT being asked.... they never seem to do the same for me. Girls really are selfish. Ugh.

I just want a Samwise. Is that too much to ask for?

.... I think I've figured out where my headache is from... but I'll just pretend it was the fan.

Unclogging My Nose

So I've been sick the past couple of days. I sound ridiculous. My nose is stuffed to the point that I can't even attempt to breathe in from it or out of it for that matter. My throat is dry from breathing in through my mouth all day long, and I keep getting the chills even in 80 degree weather.

It sucks.

I've decided that enough is enough. I would like to breathe through my nose again. After all, isn't that it's purpose? So I looked online for home remedies as to how I can unclog the darn thing so that I can get a decent nights rest.

My first attempt went as follows: I stuck my head in the freezer and tried to breathe in the cold air... that obviously didn't work because I CAN'T breathe in through my nose.

Second attempt: Point a blow dryer at your nose and turn it on. Yes... it's ridiculous but I tried this also. I pointed it at my nose but to no avail. All that came out of that experiment were a couple of tears and a dry face.

Third attempt: Blowing my nose. We all know this doesn't work... if only it were that easy.

Fourth and final attempt: I'm going to give in and spread "vee-vapor-roob" as people in Miami would call it, all over my chest, back, toes, and nose and sleep with the sheets over my head. This way, I'll inhale all of the "vee-vapor-roob" as I sleep and hopefully, I'll wake up with a working nose.

That's all I have for today since I have school in about... 5 hours. Night all.

Criticism and Following Your Heart

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. “
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel as if a light bulb just lit up on top of my head. I notice that what Eleanor Roosevelt said rings true and that I shouldn’t hesitate to live by this.

All my life I’ve taken steps to ensure the happiness of others even if it in turn, leaves me full of regret. I’ve always had this constant struggle with myself about whether or not I should follow what I feel is right, or do whatever everyone else thinks is right. I feel that my actions have led me to become highly unsatisfied with my situation. I am living with many regrets and I feel that no one should have to live that way.

So why is it that we care so much about what others will think? We live our lives walking on eggshells so as not to wake the sleeping giant that is criticism. We fear criticism from those who we know and love because it is their criticism that hurts the most whether they intend it to or not. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a people pleaser. I never took care of what I wanted. Whenever I did, I was getting criticism left and right. People judged me for wanting to act my age, and I look back now and realize how happy I was. I was able to talk to whomever I wanted to, and go anywhere I wanted to without caring about what anyone else thought of me.

I unfortunately couldn’t handle the insults and the hidden conversations about my actions, and so I conformed and reverted back into being a people pleaser. I admit, it has left me drained. I don’t feel as if I am happy with my current situation. I’ve taken into realization the fact that half of the people I know, even if I love them tremendously, can be harshly judgmental.

“How could you do this? That’s not like you.”

“Why would you want to go there? You need to settle down and jump back into reality.”

“Be sensible. Go for the practical choices. Life will be much easier afterwards.”

But what if I don’t want to be practical and safe anymore? I have always played it safe, never straying far from the nest of comfort that was created for me since birth. I walked a path that I felt everyone would approve of, only to realize now that it isn’t the path I want for myself.

I crave the freedom of living life by my own rules.

We only get one chance at life. To squander that by living your life according to the rules and expectations others set out for you is just a waste of a life.

Realizing all of this, I don’t intend on letting that happen any longer.

How to Be a Bad Person

Step 1: Be happy
Step 2: In order to follow step one, you must do things that YOU want to do
Step 3: Fight for what you believe in

First off, I should never have to explain to someone why it is that I am doing something. If I choose to go to school in pajamas, then so be it. No one should care. If I want to go to work on a bicycle instead of in a car, no one should care.

Why do we all care soo damn much about what other people are doing and their reasons for doing them?

Even I care. Here I am writing about not understanding why people ask me why I am doing whatever it is I'm doing. It's like a vicious circle.

I'll just come out with what's bothering me. Catholicism is bothering me. The religion of guilt. "You had sex, you're a bad person."
"You didn't go to church? You're a bad person."
"You like Harry Potter? You're influenced by the devil, thus making you a bad person."

Why oh why do Catholics insist on making themselves look like saints when they all have their own times when they weren't exactly a "good person"?

Today is Ash Wednesday. I didn't go to church as was assumed, and so I was questioned.

I answered, "I'm not a Catholic."

It is probably assumed that I now have the devil in me. All because I believe that I'd rather have a spiritual relationship with God instead of one that involves thousands of sacrifices and tasks that don't mean a thing because guess what? God loves us anyway.

There I said it. The truth, as I see it. I don't put ANY religion down because people were obviously made differently, but I don't think I can follow a religion that makes me feel guilty for doing one thing that I WANT to do.

Like sex. What's soo wrong about sex? Not everything that feels good is bad for you.

or Harry Potter. I just don't get that. The story revolves around love, and friendship, and yet it's the devil? Come on.

Some people need to open their eyes a little more and should question themselves a little more.

All this holy-watching is making me sick.

Does this make me a bad person? To some? Yes. To others? Maybe. To myself? Heck no.

This one's for me..

1. You are amazing
2. You are by no means, a bad person
3. You CAN finish your story by your "goal deadline"

Greeting from Neverland...

I've been optimistic lately. Things have certainly been looking up for me this past weekend, and I must admit, it has done wonders for my imagination. I feel as if anything is possible.

I feel as if my imagination was a fire that had diminished into nothing but glowing embers, and now, it's a great fiery hearth, burning brighter than before. It's led me to actually continue writing the story that has been in my thoughts these past couple of years. I think it'll turn out great.

Heck, I even feel more confident which isn't easy for me to feel at all.

Whatever is the cause of this change, I doubt I want to let it go.

Free Time

I was able to have time to myself today and because of that, I feel that I have finally been able to begin the process of breaking apart my writers block. I haven't written anything meaningful in a while which bothers me in a way. I wish I had more time and privacy to do that.

I have about four stories in my head that I want to bring to life and I think I know just where to start.

Same Mistakes...

Lately I find that I've been repeating the same mistakes over and over again. The sad thing is, I thought I would learn after the first time, but it seems as if I didn't. I constantly make the same mistakes over again. Being nice to people and expecting some kind of appreciation, loving too much, setting aside goals and wishes to please others, and so on.

I think I'm going to stop. I need to. If I don't, I'll end up ruining the relationships around me.

Focusing on what I have to do for ME is all I'll be doing at this point.

It sounds selfish but we're all selfish at some point or other. I just never had my chance.

Feeling Old...

I know most people would laugh at my complaints about getting older because I am only turning 23 this year. But still... I feel like my life is rushing speedily towards full adulthood and there is no way to stop it.

"So scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young. So I play the numbers game to find a way to say that life has just begun..." -John Mayer

I find myself listening to that song more and more these days. My cousin Natasha... she's 18 now, turning 19 in May, and I remember the day of her birth quite vividly. The same goes for my niece, Samantha who is graduating from high school this year.

Strange.

I freak out mostly because apparently, a woman's life ends at 30, while a man's life is just beginning. Why is time so cruel?

Another thing that made me feel old was my job. I have these two teenagers, both female, who come and volunteer to help with homework in my class.

They call me Miss. Miss... no one has ever called me that.

Well, it's not that big a deal actually. I'm probably just blowing this out of proportion. I just want to be 21 forever I suppose. What a great age that was.

I'm sure 23 will be just as amazing.

Zombies, Frustration, and Birthday Plans

Before I begin... I just want to say that I finally have my own XBox 360!!!!!!!!!!....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.... with an added !!!!!!!!

Ah... there. Now I can continue.

My wonderful boyfriend bought me the XBox as an early birthday gift. He also went ahead and bought me Left4Dead2, a game I had been wanting to play since it first came out. Needless to say, I have been on it since I first opened the case. That is, when I am allowed to be on it. It sucks having to mute the volume at 3pm on a Saturday because someone decided she wanted to take a nap... *cough cough...Lisa*... it takes away the fun of the game and it kind of kills the point of the special zombies having their own theme song. It's hard to tell when they'll show up.

Apart from that ray of sunshine in my life, there is a dark cloud that just fills me with anger when I think of it. I become frustrated and moody and though I try to ignore it, it's hard to do so. I wont get into specifics, but it has to do with people not telling me things upfront and whispering behind my back like little rats. I hate that. I like honesty. Why beat around the bush?

My birthday is also coming up. I still have yet to decide what exactly it is that I want to do. I was thinking of dinner first, early on in the night for the younglings (people under 21) who wont be able to party later on. After, I would like for people to head on out to the Hardrock here in Hollywood for some fun and drinks. I'm just at a loss on where to go. I suppose I'll find out later in the week. I just dislike telling people to save the date one week before it happens. 2 weeks is preferable so that I can be assured that people are actually going.

..... hope it works out.

Appearances

I am convinced that all people tend to judge people upon appearances.

Quite a reality check. There goes another one.

For most of my life, up until this point of course, I was under the impression that appearances never really mattered most. I imagined that personality would always win in the end.

I was wrong of course.

No, I'm not talking about dating, nor am I speaking of the moment a guy at a bar/club decides he has met the woman of his dreams because she is wearing a revealing, little dress, has enormous breasts, and is more than willing to go to bed with him only to realize a week later that there is nothing in her brains but conceit and the idea of money.

No... I'm not talking about that.

What I mean is that people, even if they have known you for years, cloud their memory of your smarts, and humor, and knowledge about certain things and they tell you the most absurd lie and expect you to believe it.

Why do people do this?

Seeing as how I don't have an answer for this, I'll end the blog here.

The Perfect Spot... Imagined.. of course.

If it were possible, I would stop time. I would stop time and just go somewhere majestic. Somewhere with trees and soft grass, somewhere with wildflowers and a little pond close by. Somewhere that isn't too hot, and not humid at all, with a soft breeze rolling through just enough so that I can feel it cooling my skin. Some place that I can lay down and close my eyes and not have to worry about anyone interrupting me.

I look outside my apartment window and see buildings and houses. I hear cars and voices. Inside of my house, in the next room, my sister is watching television... some reality show about weddings.

I hear all of this around me and I wish I can escape into the peace and tranquility that I mentioned before. Life can be so stressful at times and though I try not to take it so seriously, it's hard not to. Between school, and work, and having a social life, I deal with people on a constant basis. I am grateful for all of these things of course, but there are times when I just want to be left alone. I want to relax somewhere and not have to worry about a billion and one things. I want to just clear my mind so that I can get one pleasing thought in. Just one. I want to be able to sit down and immerse myself into the novel that has been locked away in my imagination for so long.

It wants to come out, this I know. I find myself daydreaming about it when I'm not supposed to... i.e at school, or at work... and I'm usually interrupted by the yelling of one of my students, or the lectures my professors are giving.

I'm always torn by what I really want. I want to be a hermit at times but then again, I love the fact that I can hang with my boyfriend, or my family and friends whenever I can.

These days though, it seems as if locking myself away in some cottage in Europe is all I want. I want to do so many things but I never have the time to get around to them.

I guess I sound a bit selfish right now, but aren't we all selfish at some point or another? I think we need to be a little selfish at times or else we'll never be happy. We can't always cater to the needs of others, and worry about their happiness and comfort. Who's going to look after you?

Besides, you're all you've got in the end.

Finding Compassion

I work with children at an after-school care program. I have a group of about 22 children, ranging from the ages of 7-9 years.
The normally argue with each other about silly things... i.e, "Hey! I was sitting there first!", "Hey! That's my pencil!!!", "I want to kick the ball!". These arguments usually led to me lowering my expectations of their personalities and the fact that they could even probably have one thought in their brains that isn't selfish.

They proved me wrong today.

Kid don't normally listen to the news, or pick up a newspaper to read about the current events. They usually don't care about anything except for what's happening at home, or at school. In the wake of the terrible earthquake that hit Haiti, I decided I would fill my students in a bit about it.

I told them about Haiti, and how it is a very poor country. I told them where Haiti was located. I told them about the earthquake and what an earthquake was. I also told them the truth about what is happening down there. I told them about the people that had died, and the children that were suffering without food, or water. Children that are their age.

I asked them to close their eyes and to imagine living without proper electricity. Not having any video games, or even a notebook to write in. I asked them to imagine themselves going hungry for days because there is nothing to eat, and I asked them to imagine sleeping under a tree because there is not shelter anymore, due to the earthquake.

When they opened their eyes, the class fell silent. I told them that the children in Haiti that are their age, are suffering. Looking around, I noticed faces saddened by the news, and to my astonishment, a young girl, only 7 years old, was crying.

I asked her why she was crying and she told me it was because she felt sorry for the people in Haiti, and she wished that there was a way that she could help them. The compassion this little girl showed at such a young age brought tears to my eyes. I hugged her and told her that there was a way to help.

My class is now starting a drive to bring in food and other needs for the people of Haiti. I have never been soo proud of my class until today. Just knowing that they are open to helping others in need, people who are complete strangers, just fills me with soo much joy.

People

Whenever someone has done something to bother, annoy, or offend me, I usually turn to anger. If I don't tell them that they have annoyed me outright, I stage a battle of wits between that person in my head until I imagine myself as the victor, and the other person sorely humiliated. This normally makes me feel a lot better.

I think I need to start trying a new approach though. I'm going to not let people get the best of me. If they say something rude or offensive, I'm just going to ignore it.

I admit, this may be a difficult task for me because I can be very hot headed, and will insist on letting that person know that they have angered me... or, simply put, gotten the best of me. I realize how I shouldn't let anyone get to me in that way because it just gives their hateful intentions more of a purpose. It adds more fuel to their spiteful flames.

I can safely say that I will just learn to be the better person in every situation that the better person is, in fact, needed since not everyone knows the importance of having a "better person" in an argument. There always needs to be someone who can actually begin the "making up" process in any situation, and I intend on being that person.

"You embarrassed me in front of everyone, but it's OK. Let's try to find out why you did that.."

"I felt that you were instigating a problem between myself and so and so, but that's fine... I just want to know if you were instigating and if so, why?"

and so on...

Should be cake right?

I mean, I can always argue with the person in my imagination afterwards. I'll always win that way.

The Calm Before the Storm

Tomorrow is Monday which is the beginning of the work/school week for me. I start work again tomorrow, and my next semester of college starts again on Wednesday. Oh joy.

I'm glad that I am able to go back to school, but waking up early is going to be a killer. I took four classes last semester and I was barely able to sleep at all due to the studying, homework, and excessive WoW playing I was doing.

Yes... World of Warcraft was factored into that. I should not have played as much as I did but I was going through one of my 24/7 WoW phases. Luckily, the urge to play WoW has died down by a lot. Which is good because I'm taking another math class and math isn't really my best subject. I'm going to need all of the studying I can get when it comes to that class.

Other than the semester, work is starting up again for me. Those kids... drive me crazy. I would quit if I could and just focus on finishing school but doing that when I have a trip to New York coming up in June would be a dumb idea. So, I'll have to sit tight for now and hope I don't fry my brain with school and work.

Well, not much else to write for now... I'm going out for some Vietnamese with Mikee and his family. I'll write more when I get back.