I have a headache...

My head is killing me but I have yet to figure out where it came from.

My first theory was that of a "mini-hangover". I'm highly doubtful that this could be the cause because I barely drank at all last night. I doubt two beers would give me a hangover the next morning.

Then, I thought of the fan that was directly hitting my face as I slept last night. This could be a likely cause seeing as how cold air rushing towards me at a consistent pace seems to give me a headache about 50% of the time.

I also figured that it could have stemmed from the cleaning products I was using today while begrudgingly cleaning my house. (I say begrudgingly because I really don't see the point of cleaning when Halo Reach is calling out to me and I could really use another round of Slayer to get my mind off of things...like cleaning). However, I did make sure to use the organic cleaning products so as to avoid a headache meaning that perhaps, this notion isn't valid at all.

It could have come from stress. I've had a lot of that the past couple of days and it wouldn't surprise me if my headache came from that.

How are we supposed to live our lives freely when there are a million and one things to be worrying about? I can't even sit in my own room and relax because my brain just doesn't shut up. I keep thinking of everything I didn't do, and everything I should do, and everything that needs to be done. I think of who I need to help and in what ways I could help them. What brings me down is the realization that I'm limited with what I can do. All of these thoughts keep my head spinning.

And then... to top it all off, I feel... lonely.

I know, I'm not alone at all. I have my family and my wonderful boyfriend but there's only so much he can handle.

I need a friend. A close friend. I want a Samwise Gamgee. That's soo hard to find though. I have my share of male friends, but there is nothing like having a female companion. Don't get me wrong, girls are all about drama and annoyingness at times, I admit to this, which is why I have refrained from having any girl friends. But it takes a toll on a girl when she can't talk about feelings with a friend because they're a guy who just doesn't like to talk about feelings at all. This is where a girl friend would come in. The problem is, the ones I know ONLY care about one person... themselves. They jabber on about themselves and despite the fact that I text or call just to ask how they are WITHOUT being asked.... they never seem to do the same for me. Girls really are selfish. Ugh.

I just want a Samwise. Is that too much to ask for?

.... I think I've figured out where my headache is from... but I'll just pretend it was the fan.

Unclogging My Nose

So I've been sick the past couple of days. I sound ridiculous. My nose is stuffed to the point that I can't even attempt to breathe in from it or out of it for that matter. My throat is dry from breathing in through my mouth all day long, and I keep getting the chills even in 80 degree weather.

It sucks.

I've decided that enough is enough. I would like to breathe through my nose again. After all, isn't that it's purpose? So I looked online for home remedies as to how I can unclog the darn thing so that I can get a decent nights rest.

My first attempt went as follows: I stuck my head in the freezer and tried to breathe in the cold air... that obviously didn't work because I CAN'T breathe in through my nose.

Second attempt: Point a blow dryer at your nose and turn it on. Yes... it's ridiculous but I tried this also. I pointed it at my nose but to no avail. All that came out of that experiment were a couple of tears and a dry face.

Third attempt: Blowing my nose. We all know this doesn't work... if only it were that easy.

Fourth and final attempt: I'm going to give in and spread "vee-vapor-roob" as people in Miami would call it, all over my chest, back, toes, and nose and sleep with the sheets over my head. This way, I'll inhale all of the "vee-vapor-roob" as I sleep and hopefully, I'll wake up with a working nose.

That's all I have for today since I have school in about... 5 hours. Night all.

Criticism and Following Your Heart

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. “
-Eleanor Roosevelt

I feel as if a light bulb just lit up on top of my head. I notice that what Eleanor Roosevelt said rings true and that I shouldn’t hesitate to live by this.

All my life I’ve taken steps to ensure the happiness of others even if it in turn, leaves me full of regret. I’ve always had this constant struggle with myself about whether or not I should follow what I feel is right, or do whatever everyone else thinks is right. I feel that my actions have led me to become highly unsatisfied with my situation. I am living with many regrets and I feel that no one should have to live that way.

So why is it that we care so much about what others will think? We live our lives walking on eggshells so as not to wake the sleeping giant that is criticism. We fear criticism from those who we know and love because it is their criticism that hurts the most whether they intend it to or not. Ever since I can remember, I’ve been a people pleaser. I never took care of what I wanted. Whenever I did, I was getting criticism left and right. People judged me for wanting to act my age, and I look back now and realize how happy I was. I was able to talk to whomever I wanted to, and go anywhere I wanted to without caring about what anyone else thought of me.

I unfortunately couldn’t handle the insults and the hidden conversations about my actions, and so I conformed and reverted back into being a people pleaser. I admit, it has left me drained. I don’t feel as if I am happy with my current situation. I’ve taken into realization the fact that half of the people I know, even if I love them tremendously, can be harshly judgmental.

“How could you do this? That’s not like you.”

“Why would you want to go there? You need to settle down and jump back into reality.”

“Be sensible. Go for the practical choices. Life will be much easier afterwards.”

But what if I don’t want to be practical and safe anymore? I have always played it safe, never straying far from the nest of comfort that was created for me since birth. I walked a path that I felt everyone would approve of, only to realize now that it isn’t the path I want for myself.

I crave the freedom of living life by my own rules.

We only get one chance at life. To squander that by living your life according to the rules and expectations others set out for you is just a waste of a life.

Realizing all of this, I don’t intend on letting that happen any longer.

How to Be a Bad Person

Step 1: Be happy
Step 2: In order to follow step one, you must do things that YOU want to do
Step 3: Fight for what you believe in

First off, I should never have to explain to someone why it is that I am doing something. If I choose to go to school in pajamas, then so be it. No one should care. If I want to go to work on a bicycle instead of in a car, no one should care.

Why do we all care soo damn much about what other people are doing and their reasons for doing them?

Even I care. Here I am writing about not understanding why people ask me why I am doing whatever it is I'm doing. It's like a vicious circle.

I'll just come out with what's bothering me. Catholicism is bothering me. The religion of guilt. "You had sex, you're a bad person."
"You didn't go to church? You're a bad person."
"You like Harry Potter? You're influenced by the devil, thus making you a bad person."

Why oh why do Catholics insist on making themselves look like saints when they all have their own times when they weren't exactly a "good person"?

Today is Ash Wednesday. I didn't go to church as was assumed, and so I was questioned.

I answered, "I'm not a Catholic."

It is probably assumed that I now have the devil in me. All because I believe that I'd rather have a spiritual relationship with God instead of one that involves thousands of sacrifices and tasks that don't mean a thing because guess what? God loves us anyway.

There I said it. The truth, as I see it. I don't put ANY religion down because people were obviously made differently, but I don't think I can follow a religion that makes me feel guilty for doing one thing that I WANT to do.

Like sex. What's soo wrong about sex? Not everything that feels good is bad for you.

or Harry Potter. I just don't get that. The story revolves around love, and friendship, and yet it's the devil? Come on.

Some people need to open their eyes a little more and should question themselves a little more.

All this holy-watching is making me sick.

Does this make me a bad person? To some? Yes. To others? Maybe. To myself? Heck no.

This one's for me..

1. You are amazing
2. You are by no means, a bad person
3. You CAN finish your story by your "goal deadline"

Greeting from Neverland...

I've been optimistic lately. Things have certainly been looking up for me this past weekend, and I must admit, it has done wonders for my imagination. I feel as if anything is possible.

I feel as if my imagination was a fire that had diminished into nothing but glowing embers, and now, it's a great fiery hearth, burning brighter than before. It's led me to actually continue writing the story that has been in my thoughts these past couple of years. I think it'll turn out great.

Heck, I even feel more confident which isn't easy for me to feel at all.

Whatever is the cause of this change, I doubt I want to let it go.

Free Time

I was able to have time to myself today and because of that, I feel that I have finally been able to begin the process of breaking apart my writers block. I haven't written anything meaningful in a while which bothers me in a way. I wish I had more time and privacy to do that.

I have about four stories in my head that I want to bring to life and I think I know just where to start.