A Hobby of Mine

Despite my efforts to try and stand up for my rights as a female, meaning that I go against the social norms of my sex (i.e wearing heels everywhere, not knowing or caring about video games, and... cooking...), I have found that there is one thing I just can't help but falling helplessly in love with.

Baking.

It was love at first recipe. I remember trying my hand at baking cookies from scratch and realized how much baking seems to calm me. In my life, I barely feel as if I am in control of anything and everything seems to be just out of my reach while with baking, everything I have to do is written for me, and all I have to do is just follow the guidelines. I wish life were that easy.

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the surprises that life seems to throw at me every now and then, but actually knowing that when I set out to bake a batch of peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies, the end result will be just that... peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies. It's relaxing.

Now, I do add my little bits of improvisation to each of the recipes I bring into existence, but the outcome is usually the same. I find baking to be a calming experience. I can forget about the worries of the day.

I think I also enjoy baking because I always finish baking what I set out to bake in the first place. Unlike the rest of my life, which seems to be a series of unfinished tasks. Take the novel I was hoping to be done with at this point in my life... is it anywhere near done? No. Will it be done sometime soon? I'm hoping it will be but for now, the answer seems to be no.

I love writing... but baking is something I tend to stick with from start to finish. Not only do I enjoy baking, but I am forced to finish it unless I want my house burning down because I left the oven on too long.

My family and boyfriend have also been extremely supportive with my hobby. They have been there through my ups and downs, tasting my baked goods even when they are utterly burnt, overly sweet, or lacking something. I give my thanks to them for their praise and support even if I do screw up at times. They also gave me a woman's guide to starting a business along with various cooking utensils and cook books. Do you see what they are hinting at?

Of course, I'd love to own my own bakery/book store someday. I think that would be a brilliant idea. Who wouldn't want to eat a moist piece of chocolate cake while reading Jane Austen?

Yes, I am aware that Barnes and Noble bookstores have Starbucks vendors in each and every one of them, but who wants that commercial crap when they can have something real?

Well, I'm rambling on once again... I'm going to go watch a movie with Mikee. He's on the computer now, but I know he'll say that HE was the one waiting for ME when in truth, it was the other way around.

Til next time.

Jess

The Silver Lining in a Reality Check

I just realized how long it's been since I have written a blog... because of this, I easily forgot how much of a release writing is for me. I feel all of my troubles melt away with the tapping of a few keys, and a few choice words to express my opinion. I'm glad I'm back to it now, the holiday season seemed to drain a lot out of me.

I had a reality check this month, not the first, and obviously not the last, but it was a reality check nonetheless.

I need to stop trying to give everyone 110% of myself because... and here's the reality check... no one really cares.

Shocker... huh?

/facepalm. I should have realized this a loooooonnnnggggg time ago, but instead, like all of life's lessons, I was only enlightened when it became too much to bear.

I wont go into details about how I came across this conclusion, but I will say that the realization has slowing been brewing in my mind for a few months now.

I do too much for people, and it's not like I expect a million dollars in return or a trophy in my name. All I ask is for a little appreciation.

I busted my a** this holiday season, and almost everyday before that for people who just rode it off as if I am a weakling that people can just take advantage of. Which, I regrettably admit, is true... well, WAS true. WAS. I do all that I can to make people happy and I enjoy their smiles and whatnot but sometimes, I feel that it's just not enough.

Call me selfish if you want, but I'm human, just like you, and as humans, we all need to take care of ourselves at times too because in the end, who else do you have but yourself?

Anyway, I realized that I care too much about what other people think, and I put their happiness and desires above mine. It sounds nice, but in reality, it isn't.

Why?

Half of the time, when you keep pushing your wants and your needs down, you tend to lose your sense of self... AND most of the people you are "helping" do not even appreciate it at all. They make an unspoken agreement with you which let's them take advantage of you without any cost. The more you agree to help those people, the more they look down on you, and the more they take you for granted and give their appreciation and attentions to those who have done nothing for them in the first place.

It's kind of pathetic.

Like I mentioned before, I am not looking for some kind of cash prize, or the key to the city. Imagine putting everybody's needs above your own all the time... then imagine them forgetting that you're even around... and imagine them pouring all their appreciation onto someone else who has done nothing for them in the first place whereas all you get is a simple nod. It's frustrating.

I'm changing my ways. I feel like I have footprints all over my body from the countless number of times people have stepped all over me and me, being Little Miss Sugary Sweet, let them.

What is the silver lining in all of this? Well, I will tell you. The silver lining in this is that I will become a happier person because of this. Happier person= better person.... stronger person. Kind of fearless in a way.

I've been afraid for too long, and it's time to change that.