I watched "Finding Neverland" again for the umpteenth time the other night and there was something Johnny Depp's character (J.M Barrie) mentioned that really struck a chord in me. He said:
"You find a glimmer of happiness in this world, there’s always someone who wants to destroy it."
Soo true.
Why?
I don't feel that going into specifics would be the greatest of ideas on my part, but once again I feel as if there is no one I can talk to and whenever I feel this way, I turn to my writing. So here I am.
I will, however, vaguely explain my situation.
I feel lonely. I am surrounded by people that "love" me and people that tell me I am able to "trust" them with anything. Unfortunately, I feel otherwise. I love many people in my life and would sacrifice soo much for them without asking for anything in return. I have burdened myself with the problems, issues, and stress of other people, silently sallowing any pain or any negative emotion in order to help them and in doing so, making them happier. I have never asked for anything in return. After 21 years of doing this, I am now beginning to feel the toll it has taken on me.
I've been the "bigger person" for every problem and situation and have not ever been appreciated for it. Not once. I'm not asking for a big parade in my honor because I know I am not a saint. But what I ask is for a bit of understanding when I am faced with a problem that I cannot let go. A problem that I never even started or have not even brought any negativity to, in any way, shape, or form. A problem that has hurt me and has made me doubt in myself in the doubt of the love others supposedly have for me. I want to experience the same understanding I give to others. That's all.
Now, the situation I am going through, may not seem like a big deal to others but it is a hell of a big deal to me. As I have mentioned before, it has taken a toll on many aspects of my life and it has weighted my heart with such remorse and resenment, and it has brought on such a degree of depression that I have never thought myself possible of even possessing. It has hurt me to the point of tears... and I never cry. Infact, one might label me a "stone cold bitch" when it comes to certain situations because of my "lack of emotion", (in truth, I am very emotional, I just tend to hide it very well). This situation has left me sleepless on certain nights because of the thoughts that restlessly swim through my head. During the day, it constantly nags at me from the corner of my mind in such a way that I feel as I want to pull my hair out.
I feel helpless. There is no one that understands. No one can understand because they have never been in this situation, and though they say they "understand", in truth, they really don't and they hurt me when they say I am "overreacting" or that the situtation "is not the big a deal". Then, they expect me to trust them and tell them the rest of my problem and how I am feeling and when I refuse to do so, they become angry with me. How do they expect me to react when they pretty much told me that my feelings are all just a big overreaction?
This loneliness is dark... and I feel it curling it's icy fingers around my heart and all throughout my body. I feel it dragging me in towards the depths of despair and I am helpless.
I was happy for sometime but it has all been taken away from me because of this situation.
I have no one.
