Tonsillectomy

I abhor hospitals. The sterile stench of hospital equipment makes me sick. The rooms are depressing. The stiff beds and miniscule television with four working channels are not enough to keep anyone comfortable. To make matters worse, if you put all of that negativity into one ball, and add terrible service, you've got yourself one crappy hospital stay.

Alright so yesterday, October 21, 2008, I had my tonsils removed. For some time, I had been suffering from a group of small crevices in my tonsils which not only looked disgusting, but also gathered some disgusting things. Every time I ate something, particles of food would get stuck in the crevices and days later I would hack up small greenish-yellow balls of stinky proportions. Yeah... the food WAS rotting in my throat. Disgusting, huh? Not only that, but I would also find myself suffering from a series of throat infections throughout the year which was very annoying. It got worse when I started hacking up the small balls of nastiness at work AND at school and so I decided that it was time for me to get my tonsils removed.

I refuse to go into the details of what happened during my stay at the hospital because it was long and grueling with some of the worst hospital service I had ever witnessed, but I will say that my mother is super mom AND that the medicine I was given was wonderful.

I am thankfully home now and my throat feels as if I have swallowed a series of hard cookie crumbs that have lodged themselves where my tonsils used to be, and my legs and butt cheeks are in a lot of pain from being in bed for two days straight, but other than that, I am glad to be home. I'm still getting great medicine AND I get to eat chocolate pudding, chocolate ice cream, and strawberry Jello without having to feel guilty about it at all. I now also have time to stay home and relax which is something I have not been able to do for some time now due to a few problems I have had at home, and being busy with school and work. I think I'll start on my writing and possibly level my character to 70 before Wrath of the Lich King comes out.

Till then...

My Acquaintance

Ann is an acquaintance. I dislike her. I've known her all of my life and wish I never knew her at all. We lost touch for some time but I have been seeing her a lot more lately, much to my dismay. I've been seeing her so much that it's almost as if we are very close. Almost as if she and I were the same person.

Anyway, Ann writes. She wrote this and I decided I would post it.



I am my own tormentor.
My imperfections plague
me, constantly clouding my
mind, urging my hatred towards
who I am and what I look like.

My feelings and thoughts are
meaningless streams of nothing
that flow regrettably through my
life as a constant reminder of how
much of a nuisance I am to myself
and to everyone I know.

The light in me is slowly fading.
Darkness clouds my visions, turning
my dreams into ridiculous ideas I
crumple up and throw away, never
bringing them back.

My life is a constant nightmare.
Loneliness overwhelms me on a
constant basis. No one really knows
who I am though I am sure they would
hate the reality as much as they already
hate the mask I now wear.

I have no one.
There is only me.
A pity... since I can't even stand my own
company.

Happiness is nothing but a cruel lie,
enticing me at first with the warmth of his
touch, his kind words, but he takes it all
away with his thoughtless actions which
speaks volumes to me. He is a lie.
I am a lie.

I am forgettable.
No one remembers me or cares to
acknowledge that I even exist. I am
an embarrassment of the worst kind.
A girl not worth knowing.

Hideous.
Dumb.
Annoying.
Dull.

Me in a nutshell.

Loneliness is a well known friend of mine.
I welcome him begrudgingly.

I apologize.. but I have to rant.

I watched "Finding Neverland" again for the umpteenth time the other night and there was something Johnny Depp's character (J.M Barrie) mentioned that really struck a chord in me. He said:

"You find a glimmer of happiness in this world, there’s always someone who wants to destroy it."

Soo true.

Why?

I don't feel that going into specifics would be the greatest of ideas on my part, but once again I feel as if there is no one I can talk to and whenever I feel this way, I turn to my writing. So here I am.

I will, however, vaguely explain my situation.

I feel lonely. I am surrounded by people that "love" me and people that tell me I am able to "trust" them with anything. Unfortunately, I feel otherwise. I love many people in my life and would sacrifice soo much for them without asking for anything in return. I have burdened myself with the problems, issues, and stress of other people, silently sallowing any pain or any negative emotion in order to help them and in doing so, making them happier. I have never asked for anything in return. After 21 years of doing this, I am now beginning to feel the toll it has taken on me.

I've been the "bigger person" for every problem and situation and have not ever been appreciated for it. Not once. I'm not asking for a big parade in my honor because I know I am not a saint. But what I ask is for a bit of understanding when I am faced with a problem that I cannot let go. A problem that I never even started or have not even brought any negativity to, in any way, shape, or form. A problem that has hurt me and has made me doubt in myself in the doubt of the love others supposedly have for me. I want to experience the same understanding I give to others. That's all.

Now, the situation I am going through, may not seem like a big deal to others but it is a hell of a big deal to me. As I have mentioned before, it has taken a toll on many aspects of my life and it has weighted my heart with such remorse and resenment, and it has brought on such a degree of depression that I have never thought myself possible of even possessing. It has hurt me to the point of tears... and I never cry. Infact, one might label me a "stone cold bitch" when it comes to certain situations because of my "lack of emotion", (in truth, I am very emotional, I just tend to hide it very well). This situation has left me sleepless on certain nights because of the thoughts that restlessly swim through my head. During the day, it constantly nags at me from the corner of my mind in such a way that I feel as I want to pull my hair out.

I feel helpless. There is no one that understands. No one can understand because they have never been in this situation, and though they say they "understand", in truth, they really don't and they hurt me when they say I am "overreacting" or that the situtation "is not the big a deal". Then, they expect me to trust them and tell them the rest of my problem and how I am feeling and when I refuse to do so, they become angry with me. How do they expect me to react when they pretty much told me that my feelings are all just a big overreaction?

This loneliness is dark... and I feel it curling it's icy fingers around my heart and all throughout my body. I feel it dragging me in towards the depths of despair and I am helpless.

I was happy for sometime but it has all been taken away from me because of this situation.

I have no one.

Rainy Days..

I've been home a lot this past week only because it has been raining soo much.

Not that I mind... I love the rain. Especially during the late afternoon. On a day like that, you'd most likely find me looking out of my window, just thinking.

I tend to think a lot... which is why I'm always quiet. Some people understand that... others just think I'm a snob because I don't enjoy talking all that much.

That's just the way I am though, as weird as it sounds.

I love being a hermit.

Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time on Youtube these days. I love listening to people sing their own versions of famous songs. Some of them are good, while others leave much to be desired. What I like most is watching people sing... the way their mouths move, and the expressions they make are captiviating at times. It sounds strange, but oh well.

It was two nights ago when I fell absolutely, and totally in love with this version of Linkin Park's "Shadow of the Day", covered by the members of Boyce Avenue:


The way the singer, Alejandro, sings... it's mesmorizing. I think I've watched this video a billion times since I've first seen it. The piano sounds beautiful as well. It's funny but, this version sounds waayy better than the original version.

Anyway... I just wanted to share some random thoughts with you.

Keep it classy folks.

Choice..

I wrote this a while back. I'm very private with my writing but I decided to post this up on my Myspace page... I know, trendy.

Enjoy.


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She was torn between the Sun and the Moon.

The Sun was her first love.

It provided her with blissful days, its sweetness filling her with warmth and peace.

She had fallen in love with the glory of the Sun and felt, for some time, that she could never love anything that way again.

She was wrong.

Upon the Suns setting, one night, the Moon came out to shine and for the first time in her life, because she had been blinded by her love for the Sun, she had seen the Moon.

She fell for it.

She fell faster than she had fallen for the Sun, almost instantly.

It enchanted her, made her feel new again.

She was refreshed by its glow and the coolness it brought with it.

It was like nothing she had experienced.

Slowly, as the days progressed, the young woman began to fall out of love with the Sun.

She would spend her days in the shade, fast asleep, or sometimes on edge, anticipating the coming of her beloved moon.

And come it did.

She would dance in the light of the Moon, a content smile upon her face at all times.

The Moon was hers, or at least, she wished it to be.

What confused her more than ever was that the Moon was never as constant as the Sun.

The Sun had been the same shape and size ever since she could remember.

She could always count on it being there for her, but the Moon was another thing entirely.

One night, it would be full, whereas on another night, it could hardly be seen at all save for the tiniest sliver.

As much as she loved the Moon, the fact that it kept her guessing seemed to vex her.

She would cry at times, wondering why the Moon never showed the same warmth the Sun had shown her.

She wanted the Moon to be as constant as the Sun and though she knew deep in her heart that this could never be, she still wept and hoped for it with all of her being.

After a night when the Moon had changed its form on her once again, she began to cry bitter tears.

The Sun came out, as usual, and took its place over the young womans head.

The tears that had stained her lovely cheeks had been dried in an instant as she felt the warmth of the Sun upon her fair skin.

She was at ease again because the Sun had once more given her the feeling of its steadfast peacefulness.

She spent the day basking in the heat of its rays without a thought about the Moon which had hurt her.

Once night fell, though, the Sun was gone and the Moon, full this night, took its place in the darkened sky.

It sparkled, as beautiful as ever that night, and made the young woman's skin glow and her hair glitter.

Try as she might, she could not help but feel entranced by the Moon and once again, she fell in love.

She was torn by her love for the two the next morning, as the Moon was fading and the Sun had barely peeked its head over the horizon.

She didn't know which she should love.

The Sun, constant and warm, or the Moon, ever changing and beautiful.

She wanted to love both but knew that this could never be.

She had to decide.

She wandered aimlessly across the Earth until she chanced upon something that was even more beautiful than the Sun and the Moon put together.

It was the Ocean.

Her breath caught in her throat as she watched the Ocean's waves roll back and forth, kissing the sand as it came and went.

She instantly longed to feel the touch of the Ocean upon her fair skin.

Desire tingled within her, leaving her breathless.

Though the Ocean was a thing of magnificent beauty to her, it was just as mysterious as the moon.

Just as unpredictable.

She knew that danger lurked underneathe the dark waters of the Ocean she longed to become apart of, and though she knew she should not risk her life in pursuit of the alluring Ocean, it called to her either way and she was helpless to it.

The Ocean...to her...was perfect.

It was also closer, and bigger, from her point of view, than the Sun and the Moon.

She was drawn to the Ocean, and soon, she found herself walking, as if in a trance, towards it.

The sand cooled the soles of her bare feet as she stared on, transfixed at the Ocean's sparkling surface.

An inkling of doubt stopped her in her pursuit of the Ocean that lured her.

She knew that she did not know how to swim and that the Ocean would only end up hurting her, possibly killing her.

Her steps faltered and she stood still for a few moments.

She was only a few feet away from the Ocean.

She did not want to risk her happiness and her life, and so she began to turn away, back towards the forest...but before she could do so, a single wave touched the back of her leg reassuringly.

That was all it took.

The young woman turned back now, towards the Ocean, and stepped into it with a smile.

Her heart leapt for joy.

She forsaw herself sharing many joyous moments with the Ocean, all doubts and fears swept aside.

And so she dove, head first into the Ocean...

and it took her in.

At first, it was warm.

It soothed her from head to foot, making her feel loved and wanted all at once.

She forgot about her dilemma with the Sun and the Moon.

She lived only for the Ocean now, and the Ocean lived for her...

or so she thought.

Had she seen more clearly, and listened to her better judgement, she would have known this to be false.

The Ocean did not live for her, as it had made her believe.

And it was not honest.

She thought she could tame it, and that the Ocean would someday love her as much as she loved it.

But she was wrong.

All at once, the Ocean tired of her.

It did not care about her beauty, or the kindness she held in her generous heart.

Neither did it care for the love she had shown it.

And so, in an instant, it tossed her back towards the Earth, ignoring her cries of sorrow and outrage.

It had drained all of her happiness and had taken advantage of her.

She felt used, and hated herself for letting herself fall so deeply in love with something she knew would never love her in return.

Though she did not dare enter the Ocean, she stayed near it, hoping it would extend it's arms towards her so that she may once again be apart of it.

But this did not happen.

The Ocean ignored her.

She wept at this.

She wept night, and day, her tears falling in endless streams.

The Sun did nothing for her, and neither did the Moon.

They were both helpless to her sorrow.

It wasn't until one night, when she had paced the sand that resided near the Ocean, that she had an epiphany.

The Ocean did not look as beautiful as it had looked to her on previous days.

It was gray now, and it's waves were choppy.

She was also well aware of the risk she had taken in loving the Ocean, and how she had been right in doubting it's love.

Slowly, but deliberately, she walked away from the Ocean.

She turned back only once, because she was only human, just to check if the Ocean still did not want her back.

It didn't.

Instead of crying, however, she held her head up high and continued on her way towards the forest where she would greet the Moon with a kiss, and where she would do the same to the Sun upon it's awakening the next morning.

She still did not know which of the two she should love, but her head seemed a lot clearer now, which was enough to satisfy her.

and another one...

I just wanted to share this picture by Kinuko Y. Craft. It was illustrated for the cover of Patricia McKillip's book, "The Alphabet of Thorn". I <3 both Craft and McKillip. They successfully transport you into another world entirely. Enjoy ^_^

...My take on Hollywood....

Yesterday started off the same as any other day.

I worked out with Lisa and Sam, and then played a long round of Rockband.

I love that game.

At night, Mikee had invited me to go and have sushi with him, which is what we did. We went to a Thai place called, The King and I.

We had sushi and sweet and sour chicken. I love sushi. I hate fish, but I love sushi. What is wrong with me?

After, we met up with the gang and watched Hellboy 2. Now, the movie itself was funny. I enjoyed it more than the first... but Selma Blair's acting was... somewhere along the lines of Jessica Alba's acting mixed in with a bit of Hilary Duff's acting. That... is sad. I found myself cringing every time she spoke. Don't get me wrong, she had the whole pout faced, hard ass look down pat, but the lack of emotion she used when speaking her lines was just atrociously noticeable.

However, she was a must for the sequel simply because they had placed her in the first film.

Hollywood... is such crap. They recruit actors for movies based solely on their looks. Let's bring up Jessica Alba once again. She wants to take herself seriously but really........ she can't act. How does she expect to be in a huge blockbuster flick when director's only want her for certain roles because she's physically attractive. It sucks for her because she'll only ever be just a pretty face, and it sucks for the people who actually care about the acting skills of the actors they are watching in certain films. We have to suffer through emotionless lines and the zero personality she brings to the characters she portrays.

Now, I'm not only picking on Jessica Alba. There are plenty of actors out there who are picked for roles solely on what they look like. Orlando Bloom for one, Carmen Electra (shudder), Vin Diesel (where the attraction lies is beyond me), Camilla Belle (gorgeous but horrible at acting)... and others I am too lazy to mention.

As a movie buff, I adore watching movies that have an amazing cast, and excellent script, and an incredible storyline... but nowadays, it seems as if directors are just lowering their standards by hiring some super gorgeous actor for their movies just so that they can get more people to watch their films.

What ever happened to the art of movie making? As the audience, we're not only just watching a movie, but we're being captured by the story telling. Hence the reason why skilled actors are needed for certain roles. You want to feel the characters and cry, laugh, and get angry with them. I don't know about you, but that's why I watch movies.

Take "Steel Magnolia's" for example. I love this film. One of the reasons why it became such a hit is because of the cast. Sally Field, Shirley MacLaine, Olympia Dukakis, and Dolly Parton (she was amazing in this flick), all made the movie memorable with their chemistry and believable acting.

Then you have Sally Field, doing this:

and you realize how not only the cast was amazing, but how the story telling just picked at your heart and in less than two minutes, made you feel pity for Sally Field's character after the loss of her daughter Shelby (Julia Roberts), and then flipped the mood around and made everything lighthearted again.

That is what true movie making is. People in Hollywood just tend to forget that.

New Beginning for an Old Passion.

Writing seems to be the only way to express my feelings thoroughly.

Yes, I have a trust complex, which is why I tend to bundle up any problem I may have and just hide it away somewhere in my mind. I've been this way ever since I could remember. I think it's because I've realized that not everyone cares about what I have to say... It's a terrible truth but then again, the truth hurts... in my case, it feels like a ton of bricks hitting me.

But anyway, off of that negative tip...

I love to write. Lately though, it seems as if I have given up on my old passion and have turned away from the one thing that has gotten me through many hard times.

I don't want to lose sight of what I see as one of the only talents I probably possess... that's why I've turned to writing blogs.

It seems I have a lot to write and yet nowhere to turn to let it all out.

So, with that, here I am.